Without Further Ado. . .

Here is my lovely guest room:

Check out that drunken sombrero who thought it would be just HILARIOUS to put the lampshade on his head. 

The prim fascinator on the shelf below has apparently fainted in horror.

The guest bedroom makeover is actually a little more complicated than it looks. Due to our teeny tiny curvy closet English staircase, our full-sized box spring isn't even CLOSE to making it upstairs - which means. . .

I WILL SAW IT IN HALF, CARRY IT UP THE STAIRS PIECE BY PIECE, AND THEN BOLT IT BACK TOGETHER.

I told my sister about my plan, and she is thoroughly terrified by the idea of me using power tools without adult supervision, but I have faith in myself.

Shameful Living

Hi. My name is Rachel, and I live in squalor. It has been over a week since I emptied the diaper pail, and you don't even want to know how long it has been since I washed my hair. When the cat (husband) is away, the mice will play. Or rather, the mice will eat dark chocolate and not wash the dishes.

One of the untold downsides of a deployment, is a huge decrease in compliments on housework. The first few days Brandon was gone, I was incredibly productive, until reality set in, and I remembered that no one would know whether I unpacked those boxes now. . .or in December.

In an attempt to hold myself somewhat accountable/shame myself into productivity, I will be posting photos of some of the more appalling parts of my house, and also photos of partially completed projects.

I'm definitely not bold enough to offer up photographic proof that I have indeed put on real clothes.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

After making a tremendous amount of progress on the nursery (I made a DIAGRAM ONLINE! With REAL MEASUREMENTS! - See!!)...

...Our household goods arrived: All of them. Including our gigantic American washer and dryer that were supposed to be left in storage (guessing they will now become hampers/hiders of contraband items when company comes over):

Glorious Stuff!

After about two solid hours of unwrapping cups - I swear we have six million of them - I came across my first broken dish:

Hallelujah! The angels rejoice that I have one less cup to fit into my teeny tiny scullery kitchen. 

(not kidding, the ad for our house actually called it a "scullery" - it makes me feel like Daisy from Downton Abbey every time I walk in)

Now baby girl's room looks like the world's smallest end-table store:

 Seriously! Why so many tables? I have no idea why we own all of these - and this ISN'T EVEN ALL OF THEM!! There are at least two lurking in corners downstairs.

***********************

On a side note, I think baby girl is playing Prison Break in my stomach right now. I swear she is trying to kick her way out through my ribcage.

#pleasestayputtilldaddygetsyourcribassembled
#onsecondthought #mommywantssushi #youcouldsleepinacardboardboxforatleastafewdays

Progress, and a Few Fun Facts about our lovely new abode

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I'm really not inspired with words right now, so...without further ado...a few pictures of our magnificent British home:

First up: THE STOVE. This is what I cook on. For real. There isn't another, slightly more modern stove lurking around the corner. This is it. It has two temperatures: hot, and hotter. Also, please note that because I am legit immersing myself in the culture, I have not one, but TWO kettles. Oh yeah. Be impressed.

Two: The Guest Room. Why, yes. That is a shower. In the bedroom. In front of a glass door to the garden. Makes perfect sense. There is also a sink, but if you want a toilet, you're going to have to go to the toilet sized closet in the hallway. I hope you aren't fat (or really pregnant, like me), because if so, you are really going to have to squeeze to get past the protruding sink that is almost-but-not-quite hanging over the toilet.

 And an update: The nursery. We have a baby wardrobe, and I am feeling slightly less like the worst expectant mother on earth. Pretty sure this closet of newborn gowns on hangers downgrades me from first place to first runner-up.

We Live Near A Castle

Not that I've actually seen one, but I'm sure we do. Or that there are some castle ruins under our crummy house - maybe that would explain our topsy-turvy flooring and walls.

We've been in England close to two months now, and it has definitely been an adjustment. After 2-3 weeks of house-hunting, we got tired of looking, and settled on a quaint little rowhouse. We've definitely had some renters remorse - on move-in day, we discovered it was half as big and twice as ugly as we had thought when we signed the papers.

We have about five weeks until the munchkin makes her debut in the world, so I'm thinking it may be time to buy a crib and pick out a name.

Here is a sneak peek of our ADORABLE nursery...

Ahahahahahah, worst expectant parents ever. Please note that we DO have a carseat to bring her home in, but as of right now, it looks like she may be sleeping in a dresser drawer. OH, WAIT - our dresser hasn't arrived yet. Cardboard box it is!

And in case you were wondering if I have been selfishly prioritizing my own comfort and putting all my time into a luxurious master bedroom oasis, here is our lovely bedroom...

Why, yes, that is a mattress sitting in the center of our living room floor. The master bedroom was painted the most lovely shade of batcave maroon/purple, which made it look approximately five times smaller than its actual very-small size. I'm pleased to announce that after five coats of primer, it might almost be time to slap on some real paint. Of course, our bed frame is still stuck in customs, and could be delayed till October. I LOVE OVERSEAS MOVES!!!

Enough whining for now, time to call my landlord again and plead with her to send someone out to turn our stove on...

Floor Caste

In Korea (well, I'm sure it's like this everywhere, but I've never been high-rise apartment hunting anywhere else, so I don't know for sure) apartments get more expensive, the higher in the building you go.

When someone gets in the elevator and hits the button for a lower floor than us, we hold our heads up proudly and feel superior. 

When someone gets in and hits a higher number, we hang our heads in shame, like the peasants that we are. 

When someone hits the 23 Penthouse button, we back into the corner and don't even make eye contact.

A Post About Trash

Today I would like to devote a post to taking out the garbage.

In Korea, you recycle everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.

After nearly two months of practicing the trash, I'm practically a pro.

The city "encourages" recycling, by only picking up trash in specially marked "City of Pyeongtaek" garbage bags, that also happen to be quite pricey. Therefore, in an attempt to save on trashbag purchases, we sort cans, hard plastic (packaging), soft plastic (bags), glass, paper/cardboard, and food waste. After that's all sorted out, we have a city garbage bag that takes 2-3 weeks to fill up - my dad would be so proud.

The food waste bins smell just as good as they look.
- fun fact: the first time I dumped my food waste, 
I also upchucked some food waste. It was just that nasty in there -

Trash/recycling pickup happens once a week, between Thursday afternoon and Friday morning. If you miss out on that, your garbage just marinates in your tiny laundry room for another full week, and smells more delicious every minute.

Also, if you murder a little girl and put her bloody uniform in your regular trash instead of the food waste, the trash inspector will find it by the smell and confront you, and your only option will be to throw him down the stairs to his death.

I saw it in a Korean movie.

Dream Big

Now that we have dishes, I asked my husband to choose something - anything - for our first homemade dinner in the new digs.

He chose. . . 

. . .Hamburger Helper.

We Have Stuff! (And A Huge Mess)

After three months of fast food, solo cups, and a mattress that feels like it was handcrafted by the Devil, WE HAVE STUFF!!

Don't be fooled by this immaculate kitchen - the rest of our house looks like a typhoon hit it.

My lovely bedside table

New clothing storage system

What the rest of the house looks like

Hint Hint

Today I accidentally joined a gym.

I thought I joined the indoor golf range, in building 106, but no. When I went to check it out, my new clicker gives me access to the GYM and denies me at the golf door.

At first I thought it was a misunderstanding, but now I'm wondering if it was a hint.

"Did you see the size of her? We should sign her up for Korean Biggest Loser. That will be a real challenge for them. Better give her a gym key - golf doesn't burn that many calories."

"Closet" Space

In the absence of hangers, I've come up with a truly revolutionary clothing storage system.

Brandon keeps his clothes here:

and I keep mine here:

Laundry Day

I have always, always, always wanted a Front-Loading Washer-Dryer Combo. From the first time I saw one in "A Pocket for Corduroy", I knew I would have one some day.

Ah, the foolishness of youth.

My Front-Loading Washer-Dryer Combo is the appliance version of a sloth. Five hours to wash and dry a load of underwear? Seriously, Front-Loading Washer-Dryer Combo? This is the best you can do? You're so high tech, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A LINT TRAP! YOU MAGICALLY EAT YOUR OWN LINT, AND YOU STILL TAKE FIVE HOURS TO WASH SOCKS?

Hey LG, maybe you should spend less time inventing a refrigerator that suggests recipes based on the foods it was creepily scoping out in your fridge, and more time inventing a Front-Loading Washer-Dryer Combo that takes less than a DAY to do one load of wash.

Fun Fact: We Have the Worst Couch IN THE WORLD

Think you can't get sore from sitting on the couch all day? I'm here to tell you that it is entirely possible. To be honest, I think the amount of fidgeting I do while seated on this couch could almost be classified as a workout.

Do not be fooled by the luxurious-looking faux leather and inviting pillow-height arms. This couch is of the Devil, and will make your rump long for a soft concrete floor to sit on.

Woop-De-Doo

I just got an email from Amazon telling me that my new steam mop has shipped, and let me tell you, I am ridiculously pumped.

Having a vast expanse of hardwood flooring and a thousand glass doors open all day long isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

My floors are FILTHY. Not just "I wouldn't eat off of them" filthy, but "I wouldn't let a dog that I didn't like and was about to eat, eat off of them" filthy. Embarrassingly filthy.

I would take a picture and show you the piles of dust and dirt that accumulate under every ledge, but I'm ashamed, and no one would ever want to come visit me. BECAUSE I LIVE IN SQUALOR.

Please, Steam Mop - get here soon. I need you.

Shutter Speeds

I just downloaded the manual for our new/old camera (thanks Brandon's mom!) and figured out how to slow down the shutter speed.

This would have come in handy in Seoul last week.

And yeah, Facebook Friends - you're going to see a lot of duplicates.

The Pros and Cons of the Stairs In My Building

Pros:

Can be faster than taking the elevators if you see that both of them are at 24

Great exercise

Cons:

The stairwell lights are all motion activated, and the motion activators are SLOW (so you are mostly running in the dark)

Sometimes you will round the corner to find a random Korean man sitting in the dark, and smoking a cigarette, and you will almost pee your pants

P.S. I took the stairs to 24 and back today! Aren't you all proud of me?

In Case Of Fire. . .

. . .here is what we do:

1. Put on this sweet little underarm belt-thingamajigger.

2. Hook it to this swiveling arm.

3. Jump.

What I'm trying to say, is "if there is a fire here, I will most likely die."

Fun Fact

There are nine different wallpaper patterns in my apartment.

Check back next week for "Six Types of Flooring"!!

Bet you didn't know you were going to find this type of excitement here.

Lost In Translation

Our realtor helpfully provided this translation of washing machine terms.

Anyone know what the “Baby Love" cycle does?

Thank heaven for translators

Without them, I'd have no idea how to warm my toilet seat.